Starting Over

Okay, I'm starting over again, today. I must have started over a million times by now, with the idea that "this is it" only to get distracted by the minutia of life and end up getting away from my goal which is to become a physician. I've always wanted to become a physician. In fact, I can't think of a time where I considered my end career as being anything but. From the when I was little and I had this lofty dream that if I became a doctor that I could earn enough money in the US to fund free hospitals around the world, and that I, little ole' me was enough to fix all the problems of the entire globe. I believed that God had given man the ability to fix all the wrongs of the world. I imagined that I had the ability and would be putting a giant bandage on on the ills of the world and make everything all better... I think I really believed that was possible till I was a teen, and then the realities of SAT's, MCAT, premed and all the prep work that would be necessary to reach my goal started to loom in front of me. While the thought of the years of college ahead, and the late nights and coursework didn't scare me. I did cringe at the idea of having to learn every single disease known to man, and later when I found out there were so many drugs, the fear of having to remember every drug that had ever been created. The outcome of me being able to help those who hurt, to make a palpable change in their life. The ability to save life by providing what was already available, and just needed someone with the funds, and knowledge/wisdom to treat their problem... I wanted to be that outstretched hand that would take care of the neglected, and watch them go from hopeless to hope again. I would watch on tv of how there were countries that had illnesses that could easily be treated with modern medicine, but due to lack of money and people who cared enough to give their lives to treat them. I wanted to do that. My interest in medicine had been sparked, combined with the fact I always loved science and found the biology of the human anatomy interesting, I knew which way I needed to go. I was amazed by the workings of a the cell... and how could all the processes of the body work together with such precision to allow us to be alive. There are a billion things going on in any one being at any moment, from biological reactions, to cell reproduction, to the complexities of the human mind beyond the science of it... I guess that was before I realized that my dreams were honorable, but not very realistic. Fast forward years later, I've completed medical school abroad, my houseman-ship, and only a few letters would keep me from proceeding towards my goal. They were U----S-----M----L and E. I was well on my way towards preparing for them when another few letters stopped me. They were L---- I-----F-----E A marriage and a divorce later had derailed me, causing me to lost focus of my goals. I left my career midway and I consumed myself in the "here and now", trying to figure out finances, deal with family, and doing what I could see and ignore anything about my future. I traded a my stethoscope for something that hung on my neck much weightier than anything else could, the anchor of unfulfilled hopes and the knowledge that I let opportunities, and dreams slip away like a passing dream on waking. I forgot about what drew me to medicine in the first place and what I wanted to do, not just for myself, but for bigger aspirations as well. To me its a way to Glorify God and make the world a better place, knowing He gave us the ability to do so. Here I am today. Older, a little more experienced. I have to struggle to remain optimistic at times, after years of being jaded. On the path to recovery, lets just say. I'm picking up my books again, to learn medicine, not to learn for knowledge sake, or to pass the exams, but so that I have the skills to be a good physician. So that I can use what I know for a good that is beyond what affects just my life. To be a healer. I know the years gone by work against me, my brain is rusty, doesn't hold as much as it once did. My books from college are now antiquated. Forgotten a lot... Having to start over from scratch is definitely tough. What I see now in hindsight is that I needed to go through this time of refreshing. Its been a time of shaking for me, but its also rebirth. My faith has grown. I needed to distance, and then to pull close to see clear. I'm going full forward. I'm going to stay focused because I'm not just interested in what i accomplish today, but what am I striving for in the tomorrows to come. What is my goal in the future beyond the "steps"? I need to be skillful. There are more things that I can do, than those I'm limited to do. I'm stepping forward in Faith. Today is day 1.