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Lost and Found

I started over again last year, and did so very well for a time. After finding study partners and creating a schedule, it seemed like it wouldn't be long till I was ready. I was doing some Kaplan and started First Aid with DIT. It was going along so well. The fact I had company helped me really stay on track, even when the hours would get long. I was glued to my seat from 8am-5, and sometimes later. The material was starting to get familiar, my rusty cogs starting to move. I hadn't locked in a date yet so when one of my steady study buddies left the group to bulk up for a fast approaching date, I was still relaxed and going slow. Unfortunately a hiccup occurred when the remaining group members decided to do other things, one even got admission for a nursing school, and left the group altogether. Having lost my company, lack of discipline on my own caused me to slack off, and when issues at home, illness in the family, and guests interfered, I gladly let the distractions have full reign. Its been almost 3 months of very little reading and I found myself completely losing sight of my goals. The days that had intervened had taken a very big toll. The hard work and diligence of the earlier months seemed wasted, as the most important thing I could do which was read on my own, had been neglected and put off till last. Since I had to do this part on my own, I avoided starting and then what I read started to evaporate to the nothingness that occurs when you don't file information properly in your mind, and due to lack of use. All that time and effort made to no effect. Reality that the summer is getting over and I thought I would be somewhere by now has only caused me to want to avoid beginning again even more. Alas you can only live in a dream for so long before reality hits you and you have to do something productive. It was nice taking care of practical matters, being Aunty, cleaning, helping family... but in the end, time has passed, and the task ahead has not gotten easier. I'm not closer to my goal, despite the effort I did put in. The time I lost from my studies, can't be gotten back I know, but slowly, from the back corners of my mind, I'm finding my hope again to start over despite how hard it is to pickup. Just wish that reading could be a group thing, unfortunately I just need to suck it up and glue myself to the chair as faithfully as I did when it was combined study. Tomorrow will be a new day to begin again.

Murphy's Law

I knew it would be tough, but for some reason I thought it would be easier than before. I started out with great determination and effort on Weds. Utilized the day to the maximum, watched Pathoma, and took notes. It was just the basics, but I was retaining the info. Planned to start up early the next day. Woke up to all sorts of stuff going on in the house, if something could shake my resolve, then thats what I dealt with yesterday. Family disagreements, not able to get to the library, stuff that needed to get done at home, etc... The things that have historically kept me in a locked position, distracting the most important thing a student needs to study... their mind. Ah to have a stronger mind, to not get shaken by emotional upsets... I would be so far today. I guess its like a muscle, needs to get exercise to become strong. Alas, it doesn't take much to put me off track. The day was not salvageable, though I attempted to get out of the situations so that I could concentrate, I never made it out. Today I had appointments in the morning, had planned to study after yet of course the plans I had were interrupted and what I expected to take a certain portion of my time instead took way too much of my time. That being said I didn't have the stress of yesterday, but the one day of getting off track had taken away my steam, and I started to lose hope for ever being serious about my studies. A time of indecision. Maybe I should be looking for work instead. These exams are going to take all my time, and it will be hard to not look at practical needs that could be filled with working. I'm confused right this second which would be wiser to do. I only just decided to study. It didn't take away financial necessities. Standing on two different boats is not a good idea. Doubting my choices is even worse. Bad habits are hard to break. Even harder when the temptation to revert back is so strong. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew there would be days like this. I was hoping they would come after I got a bit more done, so I could hold on to the knowledge I had accomplished something. Okay, I'm getting it out of my system. I just need to stay focused on my goal. Stay strong. Weekends are busy with church, and family. Next week will be challenging as I have all day appointments and things that I have to take care of in the beginning of the week... Don't know when I will be able to study... Weds? Thurs? At least the rest of today is open. All is not lost. Okay where are my books. Ch. 2 of Pathoma here I come.

Starting Over

Okay, I'm starting over again, today. I must have started over a million times by now, with the idea that "this is it" only to get distracted by the minutia of life and end up getting away from my goal which is to become a physician. I've always wanted to become a physician. In fact, I can't think of a time where I considered my end career as being anything but. From the when I was little and I had this lofty dream that if I became a doctor that I could earn enough money in the US to fund free hospitals around the world, and that I, little ole' me was enough to fix all the problems of the entire globe. I believed that God had given man the ability to fix all the wrongs of the world. I imagined that I had the ability and would be putting a giant bandage on on the ills of the world and make everything all better... I think I really believed that was possible till I was a teen, and then the realities of SAT's, MCAT, premed and all the prep work that would be necessary to reach my goal started to loom in front of me. While the thought of the years of college ahead, and the late nights and coursework didn't scare me. I did cringe at the idea of having to learn every single disease known to man, and later when I found out there were so many drugs, the fear of having to remember every drug that had ever been created. The outcome of me being able to help those who hurt, to make a palpable change in their life. The ability to save life by providing what was already available, and just needed someone with the funds, and knowledge/wisdom to treat their problem... I wanted to be that outstretched hand that would take care of the neglected, and watch them go from hopeless to hope again. I would watch on tv of how there were countries that had illnesses that could easily be treated with modern medicine, but due to lack of money and people who cared enough to give their lives to treat them. I wanted to do that. My interest in medicine had been sparked, combined with the fact I always loved science and found the biology of the human anatomy interesting, I knew which way I needed to go. I was amazed by the workings of a the cell... and how could all the processes of the body work together with such precision to allow us to be alive. There are a billion things going on in any one being at any moment, from biological reactions, to cell reproduction, to the complexities of the human mind beyond the science of it... I guess that was before I realized that my dreams were honorable, but not very realistic. Fast forward years later, I've completed medical school abroad, my houseman-ship, and only a few letters would keep me from proceeding towards my goal. They were U----S-----M----L and E. I was well on my way towards preparing for them when another few letters stopped me. They were L---- I-----F-----E A marriage and a divorce later had derailed me, causing me to lost focus of my goals. I left my career midway and I consumed myself in the "here and now", trying to figure out finances, deal with family, and doing what I could see and ignore anything about my future. I traded a my stethoscope for something that hung on my neck much weightier than anything else could, the anchor of unfulfilled hopes and the knowledge that I let opportunities, and dreams slip away like a passing dream on waking. I forgot about what drew me to medicine in the first place and what I wanted to do, not just for myself, but for bigger aspirations as well. To me its a way to Glorify God and make the world a better place, knowing He gave us the ability to do so. Here I am today. Older, a little more experienced. I have to struggle to remain optimistic at times, after years of being jaded. On the path to recovery, lets just say. I'm picking up my books again, to learn medicine, not to learn for knowledge sake, or to pass the exams, but so that I have the skills to be a good physician. So that I can use what I know for a good that is beyond what affects just my life. To be a healer. I know the years gone by work against me, my brain is rusty, doesn't hold as much as it once did. My books from college are now antiquated. Forgotten a lot... Having to start over from scratch is definitely tough. What I see now in hindsight is that I needed to go through this time of refreshing. Its been a time of shaking for me, but its also rebirth. My faith has grown. I needed to distance, and then to pull close to see clear. I'm going full forward. I'm going to stay focused because I'm not just interested in what i accomplish today, but what am I striving for in the tomorrows to come. What is my goal in the future beyond the "steps"? I need to be skillful. There are more things that I can do, than those I'm limited to do. I'm stepping forward in Faith. Today is day 1.